Kathie Lingle's Work-Life Blog

About Men: Build It and They Might Come

June 22, 2007 - I have been perplexed for years by the very different way that men and women choose to participate in the work-life juggling act, even though it is increasingly obvious that everyone who works is experiencing more pain today, regardless of gender. 

The evidence? We know from multiple sources, most prominently the National Study of the Changing Workforce, that more men are feeling the pinch of work-life conflict first-hand. Men are also spending more time on child and elder care, and even doing more of the housework, according to their wives/partners, who should know. These trends are more intense among the younger generations, who are showing more interest in being hands-on dads than their boomer parents. Corporate work-life needs assessments generally show no significant gender differences when it comes to the perpetual struggle to handle both a job and a life simultaneously. College-educated men are even showing signs of turning down promotions that involve more responsibility, which is an eye-catching trend that should capture the attention of total rewards specialists, whose notion of a ladder seems to be morphing into a lattice. We also know that the work-life policies that have been established at employers across the country over the last decade are unisex, so where they exist, men have equal access to the same flexibility, dependent care, community involvement and time off support available to their female colleagues. And I’m not alone in my assumption that where such work-life practices don’t yet exist, they could in a relative heartbeat if the men in charge took appropriate action. There is even a small but defined industry of advocacy groups that focus exclusively on the needs of working men in general and fathers in particular.     

So, there is need, there is existing infrastructure and there is power (in numbers, in governance, in the trend lines). Why then, I’ve continually wondered, are men so passive in general about taking control of their own work-life effectiveness? Why aren’t working men everywhere enthusiastically claiming what is rightfully theirs – a life?

To find answers, we conducted a workshop for men in New York City as the signature event of AWLP’s  National Work and Family Month in October, 2004. Keynote speaker was Dr. James Levine founder of The Fatherhood Project at Families and Work Institute followed by a panel of men from IBM and Ernst & Young, firms that are stand-outs for actively encouraging men to take advantage of the work-life supports available to them, and thus to lead by example. Unlike most work-life events, this audience was predominantly male, which seemed to support the adage that if you build it, they will come. Discussion was lively; interest appeared to be keen. We learned that many men have mentally categorized “work-life” and “flexibility” as women’s terrain, so one of the key lessons may be that we have a marketing and positioning issue. There was a lot of discussion about the more obvious cultural barriers for men behaving as caregivers than for women, who at that juncture had over a decade of experience taking their lumps and suffering career penalties (real or imagined) by navigating the white water of organizational support for work-life effectiveness. 

Fast-forward to this month, three years later. Last week, interested in catching up with what’s new with men today, I attended the workshop put on by the National Fatherhood Initiative at the Conference Board/Families and Work Institutes’ Work-Life Conference in New York City, entitled Fathers, Sons, Mothers and Daughters. Ken Gosnell and Blake Fite presented a great deal of information about why it’s vital to help fathers balance work and family, the characteristics of a father-friendly workplace and the power of cultural models. They explained that today’s fathers are as conflicted and stressed as their wives/partners (no kidding!) and how beneficial it is for multiple stakeholders (employers, mothers and kids) when fathers achieve some modicum of work-life effectiveness too. They have developed a number of impressive tools, templates and programs, my favorite being the Golden Dads kit to identify and reward great dads. I have even begun talking to them about how we might collaborate to involve men in this year’s events surrounding AWLP’s National Work and Family Month (October).

But in terms of answering my question about what it is that keeps men in droves from getting on with their work-life agenda, I was left with the same clues: cultural prohibitions are stronger for men; men group and learn differently; therefore, they must be marketed to in unique ways.

In speaking to Ken and Blake after the workshop, they reiterated that men will respond and participate if they are invited (as to our workshop in NYC), that it is essential to reach out to them with language and images they resonate to. I can’t help thinking that this passive stance might contribute even more to the apparent lack of male-appropriate work-life  responses. If you are never the architect, but always moving into houses someone else has built for you according to their specs, isn’t it possible you might keep living in Victorians when what you really crave is an A-frame cabin in the woods? 

So, it would be extremely helpful to the advancement of work-life progress for everyone (including their employers, wives/partners and children – not to mention all the work-life professionals in the world who do their best to run air cover for all employees) if men would take the initiative to share the specifics of their language/vocabulary, images, concerns and vision for what it will take for them to achieve a more comfortable fit in their multiple roles as workers, mates, fathers, community members and leaders. At the end of the day, we’re all in this together.

The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of WorldatWork and its affiliate, Alliance for Work-Life Progress (AWLP).